Come what may

For this month and a half since I broke up, I’ve been spiraling down.

Down so fast that it fucked my head in.

I made lots of bad decisions. Which brought about lots of regrets and guilt.

It felt like I was kept in a bubble the past 7 years.

I thought I was growing, and learning how to live. But all this while I was shielded from the world and kept under protection.

So I was waiting for the bubble to pop. Damn, I wanted it to pop.

And when it did, I was happy. I was relieved. And I was free.

Little did I know what was in store for me.

I was lost because even though I was looking forward to this great adventure, I felt like I was ill-prepared for it.

I was still the young, naive and gullible girl I was 7 years ago.

Yet at the same time, I’ve changed so drastically.

I don’t recognize the girl I see in the mirror anymore, nor her thoughts and her actions.

What’s worrying is when I choose to do things that will hurt myself, knowing that they’re bad decisions and regretful choices.

Maybe I’m doing that to feel alive.

Maybe I just want to live differently.

Or maybe this is just the real me.

To be honest, I’m not even sure who the real me is anymore.

And it’s laughable. Really.

But I do know that I’m still holding my core strong so long as I keep telling myself this: 

Peace. Happiness. Tranquility. Confidence. Love.

All of these come from me and only me.

So don’t go searching for them from someone or something else. Search within.

I don’t regret picking the road I did when I was at the fork of it.

I chose it for a reason, and that reason is what will keep me walking down this path I picked.

Maybe one day the roads will merge again. Maybe they won’t.

Whatever life throws at me, I’m gonna deal with it.

Even if I make bad decisions, they’re my consequences to bear. And my regrets to have.

As what I’ve said before, come what may.