Saturday, November 27, 2010

#3: My Parents

Dear Mum,

I dont like it when you don't trust me.
I trust you by being honest with you; I don't like lying to you.
To be honest, I have almost never lied to you for a long tine already.
I tell you about who I hang out with, where I'm going, what I'm doing etc.
So I need you to trust me too.
I know you do. But it's not enough.
I need you to trust me that I'm sensible enough to do the right things.
I need you to trust me that I know I'm doing.

I don't like it when you say I'm addicted to clubbing because I'm not.
I obviously don't suffer withdrawal symptoms from it.
I just like to go.
Why? Because I like to lose control.
Why? Because I have to be in control when I'm conscious and it's tiring.

I go because I trust my friends who will take care of me.
I go because I can have fun with my friends.
I go because I'm young and I don't want to look back and regret when I'm old.
I go because youth is short-lived and I want to enjoy and spend every moment of it being young.
I go and i know what to expect.

I mean I've grown up; I'm 18 already.
Matured and responsible.
I'm no longer 8, when I would cry if I scrape my knee or when I fail my spelling test.
I'm 18. I face the consequences of the mistakes I make.
I deal with it, I make it through, and I learn from it.

I just want to say, I can't hide under your wings forever.
I will grow mine too and one day flap my wings and fly.
But don't worry. It doesn't mean I'm not going to not behave or rebel.
I'll still stick to my responsibilities and duties which i know is studying.
I'll still be your small little girl who can't go anywhere and even live without you.

But all i want you to do is Trust me.
I'm stronger and smarter already.
Because the world has taught me so.
I love you.

Love, J


Dear Dad,

well to be honest, i have no idea what to say.
Thanks forgiving me a great dad to me when i was little.
I will always remember you bringing me to the children's library opposite our house in Tampines.
And you'll cycle me to San Yi's house for Phonics lessons.
I can still remember the route you took.
Also, you fetching me from school everytime instead of mum because she would be cooking dinner.
I can also remember you always doing science experiments with me.
And you tutoring me for all my subjects.
I know i have to thank you for me doing well when i was young and being not stupid.

But there are those empty memories that i have as a child that i'll never forget.
At a very young age, i lost someone, well you could say, closest and dearest to me.
And it hurts. It hurts very much still. As im typing this, it's no doubt that im tearing.
But i know i just have to get this out one day.
I have been thinking and thinking about it everyday. But i never talk about it.
Not to anyone. Not Jac, not Jo, not Mum. maybe to only my closest friend, but no one else.
Now there's this..barrier(?) between us that i know wont go away.
It's like i cant fully trust anymore.

What i've always wanted to know and ask is why did you even leave in the first place?
I want to know the reason why.
I want to know how can you bear to leave your family and just go?
I want to know what really happened.
These are the questions i will never ask and will never get answers.
But yet i cant help but think of them.
Was it because i've never topped my class? Or was it because i wasn't well-behaved enough?
i mean, yes, we're had more freedom without you around because i remember you used to be very strict with us.
But it doesn't mean that i can do without a father.

I'd always love you and respect you.
But the questions would always remain un-asked and unanswered.

Love, J

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