I realise now why I don't actually use social media as much (other than just posting stories on IG & FB).
It's not that I'm private or busy. Well, actually I'm kinda busy with work and I spend the rest of my time playing games, or other ways trying to keep my sanity. But it's because I don't wanna see my friends' updates. I don't wanna get upset and be jelly seeing how everyone has got their shit together, their lives together, and/or are doing what they love.
I love my friends and I'm glad that their lives are going so well, but I can't genuinely congratulate them as long as that tiny, little speck of green envy. I love that they're happy, but I hate that they're happy too. Because that's what I want, too. And it's ugly. It's ugly and I hate that and it makes me a bad friend, and even a bad person. Eventually, this green speck will grow and spread - covering and dampening my spirits and my spirit.
Ultimately, I do know that I only have myself to blame for not taking the leap when I was younger, or even now. The idealistic me knows that it's always better late than never. There are so many stories of people just waking up one day realising that enough is enough. So they leave their jobs and just do whatever they wanted.
I doubt my choice of career daily because I wanted a job with decent pay at 23. And now 3rd job in, I'm stuck because I can't see myself going back to the drawing block and starting from scratch. I say it's because it's not practical financially, but maybe it's my ego.
How do I, at 29, go back to being an intern in a new industry? Yet at the same time, everyday I feel unfulfilled and unhappy. I miss being young and carefree, when I had so many passions, dreams and hopes - when the the world was your oyster and you feel limitless and invincible.
Back when I was at my first job, I felt trapped after 3 years, like I wasn't sure if this was what I wanted to do. I was having a quarter life crisis, so I quit and just went on a break. I had no goals, except for travelling ones, I spent my days playing games, chilling and took on part-time jobs to help fund my pockets. I was having the time of my life and I made decisions that were bold and outrageous. 6 months later, I got another job and even though the company sucked, the company of my colleagues was amazing. But eventually, everyone started leaving and I'm now on my 3rd job. Looking back, I had a great time with my colleagues and even had great relationships with my managers. But what made me unhappy was the fact that I wasn't doing what I liked. I also realised that great colleagues and teammates definitely helped me last a lot longer in a place which wasn't adding value to me as a person (not career-wise), but it can only be for so long. Now, I'm still stuck in a job that I know does well for me career-wise, but it doesn't make me feel genuinely happy. And due to Covid, I don't meet my colleagues as frequent as we would pre-Covid, and our interactions at a personal level is very low. It has been a year, but I don't know how long more I can hang on.
I am extremely grateful for all the luck and opportunities I was and have been given, and I do know the people I surround myself with want to see me grow and be fulfilled. But why do I still feel so empty? Void.
I love being financially independent. I love having a safety net. I love knowing what's coming up.
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