I would like to say that this is for people I know, but really, it is for many girls out there, including myself.
Confidence. Self-esteem. Insecurity.
These are words misused, underused, and at times, overused.
No one knows what they are.
They are both under and overrated.
I used to let what people say shape me.
Heck, even up till now, I get affected.
But I've also learnt to care less.
People have been telling me that I've grown fatter, and I should dress in a certain way etc.
Their words would probably have had a weight (pun fully intended) in the past.
But now, I honestly don't care.
Not so much that I have confidence in myself, or high self-esteem, or am feeling more secured, but more of me living for myself.
What I do to myself, affects me.
What I eat, affects me. How much I exercise (more like I don't), affects me. How I dress, affects me.
If I feel good, I look good. And if I look good, I feel good.
What's the point of going through shit trying to make others happy, when you're not?
For me, I get bothered by things really easily, and I get affected really badly.
The flaws I see in me jump out so much that I would hate myself.
How could anyone love this?
If I don't even love myself, how can someone else love me?
Because I didn't feel worthy.
Nothing triggered this sense of worthless in me.
Nothing happened. It was just there. In me.
And it resurfaced every time I looked at myself.
Why are you so fat? Why are you so ugly?
These insecurities almost destroyed me.
They almost killed my relationship.
I hated the fact that my boyfriend's exes weren't fat. They weren't ugly. They weren't like me.
And it sucked. It really sucked.
So I would hate them. I would get jealous.
Jealous that he could have loved someone else other than me.
Jealous that all the things that we do, he could have done it before with someone else.
Jealous that he had all those memories of them.
But the thing is, what was the point?
What was the point of getting jealous? Getting angry? Getting hurt? Getting upset?
Even though the pain was real, there was absolutely no point.
It's not like anything could be done to the past.
I couldn't blame my boyfriend for having a past.
For all I know, we could be part of each other's past in future.
The main thing, and the most important thing, is that I have him now.
Why should I jeopardise my relationship because of someone from his past?
There is a reason that the person is in his past, and not in his present.
Why fight over someone who belonged in the past?
The very fact that you're upset, makes it seem that you're pulling the person to the present, which makes absolutely no sense.
It's not easy.
I had my fair share of crying myself to sleep - shedding fat tears of jealousy, hurt, disappointment, anger.
I still get jealous or upset if he gets close to other females.
But part of me knows that I am being irrational and unreasonable.
I can't be upset just because he has a female friend.
I can't expect him to not have any female friends.
That's stupid because it is impossible.
The only thing I can do is trust.
Trust that he knows better. Trust that he loves me. Trust that he loves me enough to do the right thing. And trust, that I made the right choice of trusting him.
I'm not saying I'm no longer insecure. I still am.
But you just have to remember that no one's perfect.
You're not. But so what? Neither is he. And neither are the girls before you.
It is okay to be insecure, but it is not okay to let it destroy you.
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